Granfadder’s binders an idder fibs.

Kenung newsin an claikin wi granda.

“Fittil a dee, Ma? “

“Awa an hae a claik wi yer granda”

“Fittil a claik aboot ?”

“Jist claik aboot onyat an a at”.

“Aye aye Granda, foo ir ye i dey? “Nat wirt a hairy kipper mi loon, ma qweets ir a swalled an ma beens bi sair an deen, a hinna lang noo tae thole i trachles o es weary warld, a ell seen bi in wi yer Grunny”

“Bit Granda, a thocht Grunny is dee d, fit wud ye dee guan en wi her?”‘.

“Ats fit a sey’s mi loon, a ell seen bi deed tae, ave hean ma tree score eers an ten, an ats a yer warranted en i gweed bulk, ets bin a sair chauve, fin a wus a loon as aul as yersei, wi hid nae picters, nae caries, nae Tilley lumps, sair chauve a richt, a mine guan tae skweel wi nae a shee on mi fut, smore dreft, sna awey, jist gwanna bugs roon mi qweets, ats fit wey er a swalled I dey”

“Fit wey dint ye nae weer sheen, Granda?”.

“Michty, ma loon, wi wur as peer as a moose wudna hae bidden wi wis, a mine fan a wus jist ten eer aul a hid mi furst feein, a wus feeid tae Mains o Gaskies es er orra loon. A wakket a i wey tae Ellon tae i fee in merket, an aul Gaskies Mains, (at wisna ees name twis i name o ees fairm, bit at wus i wey en ey deys), onywey Gaskie bocht ma denner et ti New Inn, a gey braw plecie fur an orra loon, a mine et yet, twis tattie soup wi breid cyaks, an ye ken ess er bi grate chunks o biff en o et i lekken o fit wud hae deen wis aa fur i Sabbuth dey Benner, syne aul Gaskie glowered mi ower an ower, ilka moofoo he wechted mi ower, man twis gweed, a fair guzzled et awa, a wisnae tae ken gin mony a dey at Gaskie wudna hae feeid mi hid a pickit at mi maet, faist aeter, faist vrochter, he wud eye sey, Aye mi loon, a vrocht rower lang eer ti aul Gaskie,twis a twa pair yokin, Dobbin an Bess, twa o i rarest Clydies at ye wud iver set yer een apun, aye bonnie beasties, man wus a nae jist richt prood o at pair”.

“Fit en did ye dae fan ye waur throw wi Gaskies, Granda a speired? fur bi noo a wus rael smertin tae ken i neist episodie o Granda’s trachles.

“Weel, mi loon, twis en at a takin ower Funbus, gin yer grunny wus here shi wud tell ye, Grunny wus Gaskies kitchie deem a richt bonnie sonsie quine wus shi en, aye an et wus a sair chauve fur err as weel, hungry deys ey waur, wi gid an gotten mairrit en o i Boddam kirk hallie. i meenister widnae lit wis hae i kirk etsel cos yer grunny wis ower muckle gerth fur i class at shi hid tae weer, twis jist i wey en they deys a mine a hid nae sark tae weer, an a gotten a len o Gaskies sark front an tie wi fite cuffs, mi hose tethered up wi biller twin tae i fut o mi simmit, nane o yer furicy suspinders, a did hae ae pair o gweed gallasses tho, ey waur gaen tae me en o ma fadder’s wull, at wud bi yer grate granfadder, he wus a cadger, Cadger Mull fae upin yon hull, niver his he vrocht an niver wull,ats fit ey aye spak aboot aul Cadger Mull. He cairted coos cyak, henies maet, black treickIe, sheelicks, caff an corn roon aboot i fairm toons, a swalk mannie wus he til he guad an suppet over muckle o yon raw grog fuskie far i distuiry doon yonner bi Invernettie aside i connies jile, he cairted saut fae Sauthoose Heid, aye mi loon, ey hid tae bile i sea watter tae get i saut, ti feshers curit er fesh en ot, hard fesh an saut herrin, man twis a rare divert fae neeps, brose an kale cyak cheese”.”Fit wus i caff fur, en Granda?” speirs me,”Wed mi loon, en ey deys, er wus nae caddis mattrass bedies lekken ye hae i dey, nor wus deeces fu o horsies hair, lekken wl hae noo, na na, caff wus i rarest fullin fur yer bedie, pullows an ilka idder thing wus packit wi caff, an efter ilka hairst ye wud hae gotten a suppie mair spleet new caff, corse i feshers maistly jist hid aul gwanna bugs or sappers, gey sair bedies as warn ey waur”.

“Bit fit wey wud i meenister nae mairry ye en o i kirk etsel, Granda? Nae bein at a richt aboot fit he mint.  Wee! mi loon, a pit et doon tae fan a gaed tae Sabbuth skweel fan a wis a loon, i meenister wus haiverin on boot Adam an Eve, fan a seys tae him at ma midder seys at wi a cam fae monkeys, i meenister jist talt mi tae bi sat doon, cus he wisna sickin tae ken aboot oor faimely, weel at fairley tooken me doon a hackie or twa, hes deed noo tho, nae doot en hiven keepin i porritch het fur fan a git er”.

“Dee ye think ye ell guang tae hiven en Granda?” speirs me, wi a i blateniss o sic a loon.

‘Weel mi loon, mithinks a wull sae langs am er afore i divil kens am deed, a ell bi aricht. A mine fan a wus a yunger cheil, aince at i Aikey Brae horsie merket, ae gypsy gossip wifie telt mi gin a gaed her a bawbee a wud live tae bi a hunner yer aul, a gaed er a fardin an seys she, ye wull live tae bi eichty twa, ers files at a wush noo at a hae gaen her i bawbee, bit ats jist watter aneath i brig noo, mi loon. A mine yer grate granfadder talt mi aboot fan ey waur ower i bothan, at bi far i Buchanness lichthoosie be noo, ey waur amang i bullers  cose et wus i rarest hiddie plecie fur suppin i raw grog fuskie, fan a press gang gaed an surroonit em, an did ey nae wile out i hardiest cheils an cairted em awa tae  i shi ppies o war, aye at be i wey at ey gotten cheiis fur er shippies en ey deys, n.een o at hardie cheils waur iver set een on nae mair, i claik wus at ey waur richt gled tae be awa, an at ey wud be biddin wi ein o yon funcy quines on o a desarted ilan sumwey hindy awa.

“Noo noo Granda seys me, at wis a richt binder” bit fur  a at a kent, et rnicht hae been richt, a jist wus sat sittin er on o i fender steel, winnerin jist fit Granda wud cum oot wi neist.

“Aye, mi loon, a mine fan yer grate granfadder diet, a hid tae sit fur a hale wik, sicken feart wus a, jist a wee bittie lichtie fae a rushweed cannel, a hid tae be sat en o yon squar toower en o i aul kirkyerd yonner en Peterhead, keepin peep at nane o i graveyerd cyards wud tak awa i budy an sell et tae sum qwak or idder fur em tae howk aboot at, jist tae fin oot fit wey I Almichty Arkitec hid pit wis a igidder, oh aye. twis enouch tae mak ye kowk mi loon”.

“Noo Granda”, seys me, “As warn ye hid gotten yersel a pair o beets tae weer bi noo”.

“Oh michty me aye, mi loon, gweed ledder beets, bit ey waur helluva sair fir brakin en, a bocht em fae Macphee i pack mannie, he wud hae selt jist onyat an a yat, fae pirns o threed, claes peggies, rubbit snares,  hedder besoms, timmer coggies, timmer speens, grauvits,  an gangseys, futtles, joogs, linner sarks, aye Macphee hid jist afoot athin, aa cairted aboot wi twa aul orra grey meres, wi gwanna secks ower er hummocks, aye a mine Geordie i feeid cheil fae Hullies Jock’s fairm toon hid bocht a sma coggie o sumat concockshun o Macphee’s fur tae saffen ledder beets, weel, Geordie jist did as Macphee hid bidden, an iika nicht, bi i chammer firie oor Geordie wud het up i coggie an rub et a over ess pair o spleet new beets, ess gaed on fur a hale wik, syne did Hullies Jock nae tell Geordie at et wus jist sheepies dert, man Geordie wud hae fochen wi Macphee ower i heeds a et. Macphee gaed Geordie twa scurries aiggs tae cammy em doon a bittie, bit Geordie gart em skite aff o Macphee’s black curly pow, Macphee wus fair tint tae ken fit tae dea neist, oh, aye fair striven waur ey, nivs an a waur fleein, ey warsled aboot in i fairm closie, a aroon i fairm toon, ower i midden, mang i coos strang, baith i pair jist yirded, clairtet tae i oxters wi coos drate, ey waur sic unco like mishauchled craturs at ye wud iver ken, an a cose Geordie gotten a wee bittie sheepies drate on o ees fingres an thooms. Noo mi loon ats nae a binder, at be i gospel”.

“Fit wey did ey git redd up efter a i stramash, Granda?” a speirs, fur bi noo a wus keen tae ken mair aboot Geordie an Macphee”.

Weel mi loon, ey waur boosum cronies efter at, ey wakkit ower i hull tae i Den Dam wi a bottlie o Lysol en ae han an a bottlie o raw grog fuskie en i udder, twa ooers efter yat, ower i hedder hull ey cam, airm en airm, singin, ‘Dae ye mine on aul lang syne, Fan i simmer deys waurs fine, Dar ye mine yon simmer deys fan wi giddered hips an haes, Played i nookie fae i skweel, an tearing a wir claes,” Baith i twa o ern  sperklin liken tae a new preen. Efter at Geordie gaed aura tae i war, an gid an got eesel kelt et Ypres aroon nineteen hunner an siventeen, oh aye mi loon, at wud hae bin a murnfu dey fur ilka ein, Macphee grat liken he wus a wee bairn, yer Grunny hid twuns, i bloo coo calfed, an caffie deit, i Den Dam gaed eel, i fun hullgid ableeze, ayat gid wrang at dey, mi loon. Yet stel yer grunny wus up an makin i new cheese fae i coos melk, an as wi waur set er suppin et up an aetin i het breed affi girnel, i scent fae i peat waftin oot fae firie, yer grunny an me drawing rick fae wir clay pipies, ayat cam aricht, a did quote a bittie fae i gweed buik, an syne lookit forrat tae i morn, sae at wi wud guang hindy bye sic a dey, an wush fur nae mair o ets marra fur lang enouch. Aye mi loon, sair herts a ower Boddam, an a i fairm toons roon aboot, ye wull see ees name ono i war memoral yonner en o Boddam. Aye tis a sair peety wi didna tak a exumple fae at war, en wi michna be haein ess ein ats on i noo. Er wus Gerry prisners bade en o i Boddam fowks hailie, twa vrocht fur mi amang i neeps, a hid et en ma noodle tae be coorse tae em, bit man ey waur fine hame ower kine o cheils jist liken tae wir ain fowk, ey waur jist as sair herted as wi waur wirsels aboot Geordie, Yere nae greetin ir ye mi loon, a didna inten makin ye melincoly wi ell spik aboot sumat mair couthy noo”.

“Na na Grands, am nae greetin ets jist i aise stue at gotten intae ma een” seys me, bit at wus a lee cose a wus gey sair herted aboot Geordie misel, yet stel at a niver kint him”.

“Weel mi loon, foo is yer skweelin guan, yer midder tells mi at ye bi dein jined up writin noo, an at yer guan tae be gettin peencils an paeper fur tae scroll yer wark on o, stead a i screechy slates, sae ye gether guile mi loon, fur a mowse heid maks mair siller an a gweed han, Yer domnie, as warn at yon bi a cheil et wud niver hae deen nae sairer werk an ti hud up a bittie o chake en a ese netral bein, ats fit a mint bi at seyin,  mi loon. Spikkin a mowse an nae mowse fowkies mines mi o i dey a gaed en aboot tae Hullies plecie, a wus takin en aboot a kebuck o goatties melk cheese fur em, fan a gets a peek a Hullies nae mowse loon, rowin oot neeps tae i nowt en o a peat barra, noo mi loon, ye ell likes ken at neeps be roon an at peat barras hinna got nae sides on em, weel i neeps waur takin fleein doon hull tae i howe parkie, far i nowt waur weitin fur er maet. En not cam Hullie esesel, “gowkit bugger” seys he, fitten hell wey dae ye nae hash i bledy neeps en o ineep sheddie afore ye row em oot, ye wud hae bin smerter gin ye hid teen i nowt oot fae i parkie, en singel file an hannet em a neep tae cairry back ersels” . Weel neist a sees Tammie, i nae mowse loon, a muckie strappin cheil, wus he nae jist cairryin i muckle neep hasher on o ese heid, et wud hae weld twa hunner wecht or mair, an wus he nae jist cairryin i hasher roon I howe, ilka neep at he wud cum apun, doon gaed i hasher, hashed i neep an on e wud guan. Weel mi loon, gin ye thocht Tammie wisna mowse, en aul Hullie ese fadder wus waur, gie near a hale ruck oot o a loadie, an a hiv nae doots at ye wud ken at at taks fower loadies tae big a ruck, sae gin ye be a gweed skweeler ye wull fathum at oot. Weel, Hullie, wi ae melk pailie en ae han, an a timmer melkin steel en i tidder, wus he nae chauvin tae git hud o i melk coo, ets edder fair fu, an ofcoorse, sairer sicken tae aet an tae be melket, fan oot o i hoose cums Hullies deem, Jeannie, wi a quert melk fluggin, “Am jist sicken a wee  pucklie melk fur yer brose” seys she.

Weel miloon, fit could a dae bit lach, er wus i nae mowse loon houchin roon i howe, takin i hasher ti i neeps, an Hullie esesel guan yowfin ower i parkie efter i melk coo, an Jeannie temtin tae git hud o i coos tits, aa i nowt waur skitterin a ower i plecie, sic a sotter ye wudna creedit_ “Fitten hell wey dae ye nae tak i coo en i byre fur melkin” speirs me, Hullie seys ” Ye hiv yer weys an a hiv mines, bit hae ye bin onyat o a neeper ye wud hae cum an gean wis a ca tee”. Sic a redd up, a jist wush er hid bin ein o yon mannies wi ein o yon new fangled movin foto contrapshuns, spik aboot Miginties meal an ale, et wisna near sic a carfuffle as yon”.

“Nae mowse wisnae i werd fort” seys me, fa bi ess time wus gey sair aboot i belly wi lachin, sicken fun a thocht i fairmers an feshers hid gotten oot a er ilka dey weys, an ey waurna fashed aboot lachin at ersels ether”.

“Corse” seys Granda, “Twin aul Hullie at gaed an stoppit aul Wullie i blakesmith fae iver vrichtin, ye ken aul Wullie, at bi yon aul mannie fa hurples doon Starlin hull fur tae tak a nippie o grog at ti Rocksley ale hoose. Weel mi loon, aul Wullie Grunt wus i blakesmith over i hull bi i Gask, an didnae Hullie nae cam ower tae i smiddy fur tae shee i werkin mere, an ofcoorse aul Wullie hid telt Hullie ower an ower, at he wud hae tae dae things richt or nae ava, jist like ader budy.

Weel, fan ey waur sheein Huilies horsie, verra furst shee, Wullie seys tae Hullie, “Noo tak heed, fan i reid het shee be on i unvil, an a wull hud i merlin spike ower i plecie far am sicken tae mak i holie, en fan a nod ma held, ye jist hit et”. Wee!, aul Hullie as warn wus sichen tae lit Wullie see at he wisna glacket aigidder, sae fan Wullie wus huddin i spike ower i plecie far i holie wus tae be, Wullie nodded ese heid, noo Huilie lit yowf wi i haimmer, an dis he nae jist wallop Wullie fair an squar on i tap o i napper, kinockin Wullie fair oot, an ats i wey at aul Wullie Grunt i blakesmith niver vrocht nae mair, noo ml loon, gin ye be surmisin at a be fibbin, jist ye guang an tak a peek at yon muckle haimmer en o yer ain coal sheddie, fur at be i verra haimmer, yer faither, Doogle, bocht et at i smiddy rowp, ye wull ken at ets i ein, fur ere be a muckle chunk broken aff i heid o et, noo ats far et hut aul Wullie” Fan iver a hae begun tae doot fit Granda wus seyin, up cums he wi a bittie o eavidince like at. Aye, Granda, Aul Funny Mull, yer sum cheil, ers nae doot aboot at. ‘”Hare ye ony mair fairlies tae spik aboot?” speirs me.

“Weel, aye a hiv, et wus nineteen aughteen, fan a i cheils waur the cum hame fae i war, Sootie Chairleys betrothed quine wus en at Aiberdeen jint central stashun yonner, man Chairley hid gotten sic a fleg fan he saw er, shi lookit twal eer yunger an fan he hid gaen awa en nineteen fowerteen, her heid wus i culler o gelt, braw claes, as smert a deem at ye wud iver set yer een apun, an ere in er airms, i bonniest blake heided bairnie ye iver saw, “Fits ese en” speirs Chairley, sair made tae hap ese unshis glower. ‘Weel quo she, “Ye mine on Macp hec i pack, a bocht fae im i elixir o life peels, ein a dey maks ye a hale eer yunger ilka eer, an ats fit wey am sae smert lookin noo”.  Chairley’s fizzog lichted up a wee bittie, en quo he “Fit aboot i bairnie tho?” “Weel Chairley” quo she, “yer niver guan tae tak ess en, ye mine mi granfadder, weel he gid an ate i hale coggie o peels, an see fit ets deenti him” “Guzzled i hale caboodle ?” seys Chairiey,richt chuffed wus he at es winnerfu elixer, “Fan wull Macphee be roon wi mair peels?” Weel mi loon, twis a puckle mair eers efter gin a fun oot, et wus jist rubbits drate rubbed en o icing sager, ats fit Macphee wis sellin, an wus he nae jist chaigin wis a hale maek fur a wee coggie.”

“Hid ye teen ony yersel?” speirs me,”Weel, a did at, an as warn ey wud hae vrocht fur misel, ey fairley swalkent mi up fur a dey i twa, a hid tae git fae i hoose, oot tae i drate hoosie at i tap o close a hellava sicht faister an mi leggies wud files tak mi”. “An did ye aye git ere seen enouch, Granda ?” speirs me.

“Weel mi loon, at be i verra pint, er wis aince at a jist didna mak i timmer hoosie seen enouch, sae at wus i himmest shottie o em at a iver teen. Twis aye saed efter at, Macphee, gid feel, he wud be guan aroon i aul kirkyerd yonner en i Bloo Toon, bi i licht o i meen, rubbin i name o Chairley’s quine’s granfaddedr aff o ese tumb stane”. “Soons like he hid gean fair aff hes rocker arichth seys me, bit methinks a micht hae misst i pint o i story bi i thocht o mi granfadder daein I fower minit mile tae i drate hoosie, noo at wus funny.

Granfadder wus lain doon on i deece, an a kint fine he wus jist aboot tae cum oot wi anidder binder, an sae he did. “A aye mine, ilka sabbuth morn,’ Granda wus awa again, “Ma fadder an misel wud guang doon tae Boddam wi i melk cairty, we waur aboot i only eins at wud dar vrocht on i Sabbuth, bit en we waur eximped bi i meenister an i kirk mannies, cus i melk widna hae keepit ower lang, ilka Sabbuth we wud pey a visitee tae ae mannie, a gweed sowel, a rare aul mannie, an abridder o Christ wus he, i teybul wud be furneshed wi a fite cloot, an er wud be a curren saft rowies, an a muckle bottlie o bricht reid clairet. “Tai yersel a bittie o breed, ats i budy o Christ, an tak tae yerseI a quaftie o i wine, at be i verra bleed o wir Lord” spiks i mannie, Noo ye see mi loon, ma fadder wudna hae bin contint wi jist ae gless a i bleed, cose et wus richt fine stuffie, aye i bleed a mint, nae i rowies, sae mi fadder wud sey tae i gweed aul sowel, “Fit wus yon parlabil aboot i bairns o Israel guan over i Reid Sea? Ti aul cratur wud en sey, “Weit a minity an a ell fetch yon muckle gweed buik, ets mair eece, noo at am guan a thochtie blin”. Well, as seen as i aul mannie gad awa ben i hoose, fadder ups i bottlie tae ese moo, gey near teemin et wi ae skoosh, man twis a at a could thole nae tae lach mi heid aff, mi leggins grippet roan mi lugs, cos a hid mi heid doon atween mi leggies tae stem i lachin, man, a gey near hid a birst, syne fadder huds i bottlie oat tat i aul mannie, jist as he be reddin watter fae i Reid Sea, “Ess be gey dry kine an teem etsel, ah weel, oot wud cum annidder bottlie o i bricht clairet, a sweer ey wud have guan ower i Reid Sea a dizen times. Snaw wus blawin, caul wins waur howlin, fan wi gaed wir wey hame, ower i connies quarrie tae Funbus, fadder wus seyin at et wud be caul enouch tae pit ice on i chuntee gin nicht cums, bit a doot he wud nae hae kent o i caul wi a then bleed en o ese stammak at Sabbuth nicht. Fan we gotten hame, yer granny wus bakin banniks, i kettlie wus blawin oot steim es et hung fae i swey, i fire twis bleezin up i lum, chappit tatties wi seyes, an a birsled scurries aigg ont, noo at was wir Sabbuth denner, aye wi wud presert i aiggs en o yon glesserin stuffie. Syne yer grunny wud scold awa at mi fadder fur guan druthin awa i greed melk siller, little kenin at et twis i bleed o Christ at hid gaen him sic jovaltie as wud mak i fiddle dirl i reef o i hoose, i coos ben i byre lowin awa  an merkin time wi i fiddle, i twuns girnin er heids aff, man et wuz jist lekken tae Auld Eels nicht ilka Sabbuth.  Aye, aul Cadger Mull, wus sum cheil, mi loon, Aye, sum cheil “.

“Ony mair fairleys en Granda, or it ye run oot o steim wi a ess claik?” a speirs, kenin weel at Granda jist wisna guan the stoppet noo at he hid gotten inti ful flicht, sae on he houchs tae i neist episodie, “Oh Aye, mi loon, a mine a pucklie o eers afore i Furst WarId War, a wus traivIin doon i tattie roadie, guan tae Peterheid fur wir twuns berth certicates, fan fa dis a cum across bit aul Minnie fae i aul hoosie, ye ken far a ainced tae hud ma soos, at wus aul Minnie’s midder’s hoosie. Disna metter onywey, bit aul Minnie luked hellava uncalike, nae at a lekken hersel, jist afa, lekken shi hid mat Aul Nick esesel. Almichty me be here, Minnie, ah seys tae she, fit en i warld ails ye ? Noo Minnie wus a rigget oot en o er murnin claes, lang blake frockie, blake ledder beets, i kine at wud lace cris cros tae i kinees, a blake shawlie roon er shooders,  an ein o yon blake pixie bonnits wrappet roon er lugs, an her lang selver hair hingin doon i back o her shawley, shi wus rowin her trike up i brae. “Fit wey wus Minnie weerin a blake murnin claes en?” a speired Granda, “Weel on accoont o er midders sperit slippin awa a curren eers afore, ae reltive micht weer i blake murnin claes fur as muckle as twal eer”. A gey qweer wey tae cairry on, a mine thinkin at i time, jist cos er midder hid spult a suppie fuskie yonks syne.

“Weel noo mi loon” Granda gid on, “Minnie talt ti me at shi hid bin tae i Bloo Toon tae be hainin up errins afore i snavie widder cum on, hard fesh, saut purk, kinittin oo, bogey roll, saut herrin, stane bottlie o wattergless, fuskie, whal ile fur her lumpie, jist ayat at wud ibernat er ower i derk an caul nichts. Weel dis shi nae tak a seen wey hame, ower i gersie roadie, fae iDales parkie yonner, jist bi i Meethull monimint, et wud cam oot bi i Cowt brig, ess wus tae hud i trikey fae rinnin awa doon i stulery brae, yonner bi jile. Weel din shi nae hit a potie hole on i gersie roadie, and aff she cam, cowpin i trike, an skinnin er en o a plecie far shi widna meinshun, an ofcoorse, aa i errins gad helterskelt a over i grun. Noo i connies hid bin pickin tattles en o i neist parkie, sae ower ey cam wi er warden mannie, an gies Minnie a han tae richt i trike an tae strop i creelie wi i errins onti i trike. Weel a gid Minnie a han hame, pooshin i trike up i hulls an takin hirtlin doon hull, wi me stannin on i bach axel. Fan wi gat tae Minnie’s hoose an stairted teemin ierrins oot o i creel basketie, Minnie birst oot greetin, fur i saut purk, i bogey roll an i bottlie a fuskie jilt wisna ere, jist a puckle o aul wizzent tatties. Het fet a  taks doon i tattie roadie tae i Boddam bobby, on o Minnies trike. Weel a telt ilka detaal o i rubbery tae Lang Wullie i Boddam bobby, an he lookit over i coonter o i steyshun, he lookit mi up, syne he lookit me doon, he lookit at mi an ower mi, throu mi an bye mi an efter a ess lang Wullie seys at ets naeyat tae dae wi him, ootside hes joorsdikshun, nae eece ye gan tae  Peterheid ether he seys, aul Minnie wuli hae ti ripurt metter ersei. Weel fan a gaed an telt Minnie, wus shi nae jist black affrunted, shi widna gang an ripurt I metter, bit gin shi hid, twid hae bin i maist darin rubbery sin i Oirish tinkie MicGees robbit Newtin mains o i gweed grey mere an selt et en Kittybrewster mert fur sax pown. “Fit iver cam o i tinkie MicGees en Granda?” speirs me, kenin rael weel at ess wud stairt him aff wi anidder o hes binders. “Weel noo mi loon, i MicGees gid an gotten sax month a peece, an ey waur en o Peterheid jile aside i verra cheils at robbit aul Minnie. Aul Newtin Mains hid tae gang tae Aiberdeen, tae i coort, didnae he nae tak i idler marled mere, an an eel coo, an wakket tae Aiberdeen, selt i eel coo fur a melk coo, wi caffie at fet, gotten hes grey mere fae i coorthoose far et wud hae been keepit fur eavidence. Aye, a eye mine i dey, a wus cairtin shunners fae Boddam jint central ralwey steyshun, oot tae i quarrie et i tap o Starlin hull, fan a peeks aul Newtie cumin doon i hull fae Aiberdeen, set on i back o hes grey mere, towin i marled mere, wi i melk coo an caffie trailin oot ahent at, Weel noo, wus Newtie nae jist steimmin fu, suppin fuskie fae a muckle fiaskie, sae wi me jist haein deen mi himmest loadie o shunners, a yoket aff mi cairty, en gaed on a ma Bessie, at wus mi bonnie black mere, syne baith i twa o wis waur tain doon i Starlin hull wi wir meres, i caravanie o beasties towin on ahent, a wisna slack at caen tee wi i teemin o Newties fluggin o fuskie, mair tae hud i cheil fae gettin ower fu an fur mi ain jovialty, hooiver, doon throu Starlin veelige wi gaed, ilka budy keekin oot o er windies, lachin er heids aff at wis twa, er we waur, singin ti tap wir vices, “Shew mi i wey ti guan hame, a be tired an a be sichen mi beddie, Hid a drappie ower muckle a filey syne, an ets gaen richt the mi heiddie.

Aye, ats fit wi waur croonin oot fan aul Newtie faud aff hes horsie, didna a nae hae a fair chauve tae git him i himmest wee bittie hame, an verra fyew thunks wus a tae git fur takin him hame, hes gweed umman wus en i weers o duntin mi ower i heid wi i butter sclappers, an en dis shi nae tak I melk scummer an furl et roon an roon jist a midgies ba hair fae i tap o mi napper. Onywey shi cammied doom fan Newtie telt her at a hidna bin tae Aiberdeen, an at a hid only teen him fae Starlin hull, Twis en at Ruthie i gleaner, ats fit wi caed Newtie’s gweed wifie, set oot i teybul an wi hae a fair keybuck o hame churned cheese, a grate dad o caul cloottie dumplin an a muckle grate joogie o charr. Efter at a gaed hame wi Bessie mi bonnie black mere, beddit her doon, wattered an tennert tae a i beasties, jist i himmest yat a mine aboot, a wus maetin i soos ower en i soohoosie, a wakenned up amang i strey aside i piggies. Twis eye aul Newties at a wus fund wi mi airms roon i soo, seyin “Michty umman, fit wey ye nae weerin yer nicht goonie?” bit a widna pit muckle trock on at tale”. “A mine i verra furst moter carie at iver cam room bye Funbus, i vetrin mannie fae Langside bilanged et, a gid a notie throu i postie tae cam ower an  tend ti ein o mi nowt, weel, et wud hae bin aroon i hairst time, an a wud hae bean Tammie, at wus i nae mowse gowkit loon o Hullies a talt ye o afore, he wus ower gein wis a ca tee wi i hairst, weel, er wus him an wir ain feeid loon, Eddy, ey waur caen harne stooks tae i rucks, fan along i turnpike fae Peterheid cam i vetrin rnannie, wi hes spleet new meter carie hertlin ben i roadie, fan oot a i howe parkie yonner, cam Tammie an Eddy wi r loadie a stooks, richt in afore i vetrin mannie, weel fit could i mannie dee bit tae tak a  grate swarve tae miss i horsie an cairtie wi i loadie o stooks, an in over i dyke gid i moter carie, richt inti I parkie at Tammie an Eddy hid jist cam oot o. “Michty me’ seys Tammie tae Eddy, “Didna wi nae jist git oot o yon bledy parkie en time or at carie wud hae run wis doon”, Weel noo mi loon, didna a nae sey at loon wisna mowse, bit his fadder micht hae bin waur, he micht hae gotten i loon tae cairry i shefs hame a stook at a time, aye, at wud be i wey aul Hullie wid vrocht ihairst, ats fit wey a hae niver kent Hullie tae feenish takin en a hairst yet, jist lekken i coos tail, eye ahent, bit at wud jist be Hullies wey, eye hus tae be conter tae ader budy”. Yer grate granfadder, at wis Cadger Mull, wis a gey aul farrant kine o a mannie, he widna hae hean a Clydesdale horsie aboot i hale of i fairm toons, a mine i verra furst Clydie et a iver saw, et wus over at i pearlie kings plecie, ats fit ey caed Wellbunk en ey deys, man, a wus fair dumfoonert fan a saw et, twa times i hicht o wir hichest coo, muckle grate heid, muckle grate feet, i weicht o i horsies coller alean wis jist aboot a at a body wud lieft, an gin ye waur swalk et wud stel tak a sair chauve tae pit i coller over yon heid, hooiver, time guangs bye, an noo ets i dey o at enfernal new fangled moter tracter, stinkin fooel bledy contrapshuns, ye ken, fan a fairmed i lan, wi niver tuk a singel iota oot o i grun, withoot pittin et back, nooadeys thou, wi bi guan plooin ayat, growin craps awey, whidder wi have a merket fur em or no, wi lamed tae live a gweed life aff i bare grun a can see et cum, an et ell nae be hellava lang, er ell scarce be a horsie aboot ony fairm toon, an ilka ein wull be fleein aroon en o at enfernal contrapshun, i moter carie, jist ye merk mi werds mi loon, ats fits tae cum, an a doot et winna be fur i better o mankine, nor beasties eder.

“Harken ye, harken ye” seys Granda, -Er be soond o a moter carie en aboot, awa an hae a peek at fa et be.  Weel, doors i steir a gid tae be confruntid wi ess twa cheils, ey hid jist cam oot o ess muckle bummer o moter carie, glintin black et wus, niver hid a set een on sic a funcy carie. “Would this be where we can find old Mister Milne” speirs ey, “It most certainly is” seys me, jist tar be lettin em ken at ey warna i only eins at wud ken hoo tae spik pan loafie, “You will find  him lying down upstairs on the deece, er i chaise loungee I mean”.  Weel didna a nae git i hint at ey kent a was temtin tae tak i rise o em, ein o em wus a lang streek o a cheil, weerin a black bowler Hattie, a charcoal black jaicket, wi trews at waur nae a gweed marra fur i jaicket, an, ye wud hae thocht at he wud hae jumpit a fet ir mair, ower far enti ess marliss pair o brickies, micht hae bin i scaircity o claes coopuns wi i war bein on, or micht hae jist grown aa o a sudden.

Weel at wus ae cieil, i tidder, noo ess wis a mannie fae lookit liken he kent fit he wus deein, he wus fell smerter rigget an i idler ein, his brickies waur jist a  smidgin ower Lang fur his leggies, bit ey fairly waur a  gweed pairtner fur i jaicket an a braw weistcoatie, wi a muckle gilten gowd chein an huddin hes bowler hattle en ae han an peekin enti i facie o ess muckle pooch watchie en i tidder. Ey waur jist makin fur i ootside steir fan oot cums midder far doonsteirs, an fan shi saw i mannies, her fissog gid fite as snaw. “Almichty be here” seys midder, “Fit en a i sowel o creation dae ye  be sickin? “We have come to uplift the remains of the late Mister Milne”, seys i smert rigget mannie, “Ye micht hae a gey lang weit, fur a dinna neen think at he be deid yet, he wus newsin wi mi loon jist a minity ago” “Mister Robert William Milne of Seafield? seys i mannie, “Na na, ye hae gotten et a vrang, ma fadder be Wullie Mull, an ess be Seaview” seys midder. “A most unfortunate and extremely regretable mistake we appear to have made, we do with all due sincerity, offer to you  and to the hale and hearty genleman in the name of your own father, ofcourse, we are well aquainted with the Mister William Milne, please do accept our most humble and heartfelt appologies, and be sure to convey the same to your dear father on our behalf”. Weel, wus midder nae jist fair dottled an bamboozled wi fit i mannie hid seid, fan ey waur hurlin awa en er carie midder seys, “Weel, fan en a i creation o ess warld hiv ye iver harkent tae sic a blaaderskite o shite as yon”.  Granda bi noo luggin et over i tap o i steirs, “Fa wus yon” speirs he, “Twis i twa unnertaker mannies wi spleet new coffin boxie for ye, oot fae Peterheid, ey hid jist gotten i vrang plecie, twis Robbie Mull at maun bi deid, ey seid ey waur heliava disappintid at et wisna ye thou fadder”, “At wisna fit ey seid ata” seys me;

Granda en scoldit inti midder fur nae lettin em up i steirey an gein him a cairry doon i steir en o i boxie, “Jist dinna ye chunce yen luck fadder, ey michtnae hae kent i difrence an beried ye”. Weel fur deys efter at Granda wus a gey swalk kine o a mannie, jist lettin midder an fadder ken at he wus a lang wey fae gein up i ghost. Fadder hid bin oot maist i nicht castin snaw on o i ralwey line, sae fan he cums hame i neist dey, Granda wus doon steir fell airley, i Aiberdeen Joornal en ese han, “See ye tae at Doogie, twisna me fae deit ata, twis Robbie Mull fae Seafield, he wis readin i deth  notice as if tae convence hes sel at et wisna him. “Twis  Robbie Mull, wus et, sic a peety”. seys mi fadder bit he didna pit wis throu whither i peety wus fur aul Robbie Mull bein deid, or fur Granda nae bein, bit bi i  weild glower at Granda hid on o ese wissened aul facey, a thocht he wus guan tae throw hes timmer coggie o brose over fadder’s heid, onywey, nae mair wus seid an wi as sat er harkenin tae i wireless, jist the fin oot gin  er be ony claik aboot i war. Fadder thocht he micht be gettin a menshun aboot reddin i Buchan ralwey line a bi esesel, wi naeyat mair an ae braid mooed shuffle, weel at wus fit Granda seid micht be on, bit ofcoorse a wisna feel enouch tae speir fadder fitten wey et wisna on. Fan granda hid gaen awa upsteirs a speired fadder aboot i coal haimmer at he hid boat at i smiddy rowp, an at et hid bin i verra haimmer at hid skelped aul Wullie Grunt, an i chunk at hid bin kinocked cot o et fan et wus duntid doon on o aul Wullies heid, bi i nae mowse loon o Hullies. “Ye ken ess umman, at bledy fadder at ye hae, he be jist fullin i loon’s heid wi maist feel an ill-faart gulsh at ell en up wi i loon bein a gomeril likken tae aul Hullie esesel. ‘Weel noo, sic an ootbirst fae fadder hid mi en aneath i teybul, jist fur feer o a scud un i lug, sae feart wus a. Onywey fadder cammied doon, an him an midder gid on claikin, boot i snavie widder, fae wus deid, fae wisna deid, fae wus gey near deid, fae shood bi deid, foo muckle meal wus er en i girnel kist, foo muckle tatties wi hid, wud er be enouch tae see wis over i winter, foo rnonny hennies waur leyen aiggs, fit eins waur fur i Sabbuth denner, wud wi git ony mair maet coopins foo lang wull et be afore i thaw cums, jist naeyat o ony consigince tae miisel, sae et wus at a gid tae sleep aneath i teybul, jist winderin fit idder binders Granda hid telt mi i dey an jist fit binders a wud hae tae tell ti him i morn.

Kenung and Doric Buiks

If you have enjoyed the Doric narrative, you will be pleased to know that there will be more produced in the near future, there is in the possession of Kenung, the author, a whole volume of works, contained In various school jotter, ancient manuscripts about the origin of the Doric tongue, the Buchan brogue, understanding the carvings on ancient gravestones, In fact we have a whole wealth of information about this “Nor east neuk” but some of the manuscripts are in rather poor condition and will need some time to obtain the knowledge and process it so that It can be made into booklet form, similar to this first edition of “MI Doric Loon”. Kenung and Doric Buiks would like to acknowledge the invaluable assistance afforded to them by Gordon Mackay of Grampian Business Products, without whose help, this booklet could not have been completed.

Signed, Kenung o Doric Buiks.

Copywrite by Kenung and Doric Buiks, 1996.

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